Good intentions…you know what they say about ‘em.
Soon after I announced I'd be blogging again we bumped up against a month of absences from school because of weather and illness. We had everything from strep to the stomach bug and all the bugs in between make their way through our house, and alas…I didn't write about it. You're welcome.
Things I was considering writing about though were:
1. My new dietary lifestyle. I have been eating No Grains No Sugar (or #NSNG) for the last five and a half weeks. I was going to write about it from the beginning, chronicling the first weeks of headaches and determination, the second, third and fourth weeks of feeling awesome, and the fifth week of feeling awesome, but also somewhat more settled--though hopefully not complacent. I'm not sure if that is interesting or not to anyone else, but this has been an interesting change for me.
For one, I really do feeling flipping fantastic. Gone are the afternoons slumps. My mood is better, I have MUCH MUCH less pain. I just feel really good.
For two, I've been considering writing about my eating struggles for as long as I have had them…which is…oh….since I was about 14 years old. So, more than half my life.
I don't feel particularly inspired to write about it at this very moment, but expect to see something about it interspersed here and there. That's always been the nature of my blog. For a good long while it was primarily a blog about Down syndrome, and disability, or perhaps more specifically, being the mother of a child with disabilities, but I'd been blogging long before the kids were born and I have always hesitated to define it, or limit it.
Oh! One other thing about #NSNG though. I am learning how to cook! It's part out of necessity, but also I'm inspired. I'm truly freaking inspired and it feels really awesome to try out new recipes, to riff on them and make them more to my liking. As a result of my going NSNG everyone in the house is eating better. (A was already eating better as he's been a vegan for the last year or so, but we've stopped bringing loaves of bread into the house with the exception of sandwich bread and GF bread for the kids.) Note: I'd love to get the kids eating healthier and healthier, and in fact, G's diet is greatly expanded from years past and though eats quite healthily in general they are both picky (R especially these days) and we do have to get calories into them, so it's a work in progress.
2. When I initially came back to writing, I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to write about G or DS or autism. I am also wavering on just how much I want to share about R. They are older now and I want to respect their privacy (always), but in a different way than I ever felt inclined before. That said, Erma Bombeck did it, and the fact of the matter is I'm a mom, this is my life. I spend 99% of my time mom-ing. I will definitely still be sharing about them. I will just be more discerning in how I do it. The rest of it will have to be sorted out on the therapist’s couch.
Additionally, DS, ASD, disability issues…it's our life. I really can't imagine not writing about it. Which leads me to...
3. The last post I wrote about winning the lottery (surprise surprise: we didn't) weighed on my mind that whole evening. Everything I thought I would do with the money had we won, all the fantasizing, it all felt…heavy. In fact, with the exception of hiring someone to help us with Georgia's needs (particularly out of the house), it all felt like wishful thinking. I mean, that's the nature of fantasizing about winning the lottery, right? But it felt especially fantastical. As A and I thought about it, we really couldn't come up with ideas about what we would do with the money. I mean, some. The obvious. But it also felt…stunted.
When I was younger, I thought I was going to do big things. I always did. Peace Corp, travel, just being a revolutionary in some way. Did everyone? In my mind I was a GD asskicker. Kicking ass and taking names. Fighting for truth, justice, and well, the American way (if, mind you, the American way truly is Freedom and Equality).
I still want to be this person. The way my life is unfolding, however, has made this endeavor a much quieter one than that I had anticipated. I don’t know if it’s circumstance or a quelling of ego, but a more one-on-one and quiet approach has taken the place of leading armies of peace seekers. Or, whatever it is I thought I was going to do. I am not blaming our lot in life, raising a child with complicated special needs, but it's just a fact. We would be living life in a different manner had she been born with the ability to exist in the world more fluidly and with less struggle. It is by and large her struggle, she suffers more than the rest of us for it—though her life, is of course made up of much more than struggle—but the truth is, her limitations are our limitations. Mine, her fathers, her brothers.
Anyhow, I guess it was weighing on A as well, our limited fantasies, because the day after I wrote that post about the lottery, the day after we discussed what we would do if we'd won, well…that week had been a particularly difficult for G and us and that day she had been alternately raging and then shutting down, retreating inside herself. A sat quietly on the sofa, coffee mug in his hand, thinking. "Whatcha thinking'?" I'd asked.
"It's just that all that fantasizing about what we would do if we won all that money. No matter how much we won, there's no amount of money we can win that will make G happy."
And that was the crux of it.
So. Yeah. I'm back. Again. Some more. With all the same feels and emotions.